Sins of the Father

When I was little, my Dad use to take us fishing at this 'secret lake' out in the middle of nowhere. In order to get there, you had to drive down a hidden dirt road in the middle of the woods, cross through a fence marked "Private Property", and cross your fingers in hopes that you would make it down the road and back without getting the car stuck in the mud.

It was a secret place for our little family, and the fish were always biting. We would sit on the lake's edge and my Dad would show me how to bait the hook and cast the line. We all waited together in anticipation as we watched the floaters bobbing on top of the water. Fishing takes a lot of patience, and I remember how quite it was when we were at our covert lake.

When we spent time at the lake, the rest of the world seemed to vanish. It was almost easy to forget about the tears, the fights, and the broken promises.

My Dad was, and still is, a drug addict. I wouldn't say it was our families dark secret, because everyone knew and my Dad usually made it painfully obvious, but for me, his addiction was always a very dark cloud over my youth. I didn't want anyone to know.

I usually pretended everything was okay or that I was indifferent to his choices. Inside, it killed me.

As a child, I didn't understand what an addiction was. To me, everything was black and white. My Dad could either choose us, his family, or he could choose the drugs. Black / white. He always chose the drugs. As an adult, I understand that he wasn't always in control and that he may have wanted to choose us, but couldn't.

Our days of sitting on the edge of the lake ended, and 'going fishing' became a constant unfulfilled promise.

"When I get out of prison, I promise we'll go fishing..." he would say to me. I can't even count the number of times I heard it, but I can count the number of times he followed through. Zero.

I use to think 'If I were a better son, he would stop taking drugs.' If I were nicer to my sister, if I didn't talk back, if I wasn't so hard-headed, if I brushed my teeth after every meal, if I wrote him a letter, if I prayed... something! There had to be something I could do to make him better. I knew it was my fault. If I were a good son, he would just choose us, instead of the drugs. Black / white.

The other memories of my father are not as pleasant as the lake. I remember sitting in a drug house while his dealer measured out drugs on a metal scale. I remember bringing him a homemade bookmark with a mallard duck on it when he was in the jail downtown. The corrections officer handed it to him while I watched through the bullet proof glass. I remember Christmas morning when he pushed my mom. I remember when he received special privileges to come to my high school graduation. I remember going to see him in jail and rehab centers.

Even though it is a cliche, I believe that what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. If anything, my Dad showed me 'what NOT to do'... heck, he could have written the book! "Don't leave your small children in a house alone while you go out to buy drugs"... that would be bad. "Don't do drugs," and "Don't ever EVER choose anything over your family."

I've never done drugs. Not a single breath of pot has ever entered my body, nor will it. I've been hard on my friends that made different choices. I ended relationships and friendships over the drug/alcohol issue so that I could surround myself with non-addictive personalities. I've had enough addiction in my life, and I've never even been addicted to anything.

When I make promises to my children, I keep them. I hold me children close to my heart and cherish every moment I have with them. I promise to hear their voices and their words when other adults may discount them. I promise to guide them and protect them throughout their lives. I promise to keep them safe from pain so they won't ever look at me and think "what did I do wrong." I promise to hold their hands and tickle their bellies so that we can laugh together and make happy memories. I promise to sleep in their beds when they have a bad dream and tell them funny stories about mermaids and princesses to make the dreams go away. I promise to always be there, as a father and friend, for my girls. I promise to take them fishing.

For that, I want to say: Thank you Daddy.

Do Children Burn in Hell?!

When I was little, I knew my parents were going to burn in hell. I went to a Baptist church and they made it very clear to everyone, children included, that if you didn't go to church, praise the lord, and 'get saved,' you were going to burn and suffer for the rest of eternity.

As a child, I was petrified. I was saved, so I was going to live in heaven after I died, but what about EVERYONE else? My friends and family were good people, they didn't deserve an eternal roasting in the Earth's core. I had nightmares.

As an adult, I view this practice for what it is: child abuse.

Hell is used as a scare tactic to brainwash young children. A child will believe anything when the alternative is never ending pain. They are raised to accept something without question... because if they don't a mean red man will take a pitchfork to their souls.

Children think visually. When someone tells them about a place, such as hell, it burns an image into their mind. To use hell / damnation as a tool to scare children should be punishable by law.

However, kids are raised this way every single day, especially in the South where I live. What kind of adults will these children become? It's simple. Instead of doing good in order to be a good person, they will do good in order to receive a reward (in this case, heaven). These adults will be afraid to question authority or challenge the norm. They will be weak minded and constantly live in fear, not only for their own soul, but for the souls of everyone they love.

My heart breaks for these children. They will never understand or know what 'could have been'.

To knowingly and willingly do this to a child is abuse.

The day I embraced my atheism and truly accepted who I was (a non-believer), I felt a profound freedom and sense of joy. I will raise my children within this joy and I can't wait to see the adults they become.

If you look at my children and pity them for not 'knowing the Lord' - DON'T - it's not my children that need the sympathy.

Non-Religious Parenting

One of the most common questions people ask me is 'How will you raise your children in regards to religion and God?' That is a great question! I have three beautiful and spirited girls. My oldest is 5, my middle child is 2, and the youngest is 4 months old.

My wife and I want our girls to have a broad religious background and a basic understanding of all major world religions. All religions will be presented in the same way; none favored and none presented with low regard. Of course we will also discuss science, evolution, agnosticism, and atheism. We do not hope to raise carbon copies of ourselves. Our goal is to raise children that are open minded and accepting of all religious views. Then, when our girls are old enough to make an informed and cognitive decision, we hope they pick a path that will lead them to happiness. Weather that path leads them to God, Science, or Buddha we will support them whole-heartedly and with passion.

My wife and I know what kind of education we would like our children to have, the question for us is 'how do you teach a five year old about various world religions?'

Step 1 - Educate yourself! You can't expect to teach your child anything if you don't know the subject matter first. There are many resources on the web and in the library regarding religion and science. Do some research and ensure that you will be able to answer any questions they may have. Does this mean you need to memorize every verse of the Koran or every page of The Origin of Species? Of course not; but you should understand the basic beliefs of each religion or scientific principle.

Step 2 - Pick 1-3 religions and/or scientific concepts at a time. Present the concepts slowly, over a set period of time. Don't bombard your kids with information because they won't be able to grasp the concepts or remember them.

Step 3 - Focus on the positive and simplify the concepts, especially for younger children. When you are doing your research (see Step 1), select a few selling points you want your children to know. Here is an example of a scientific lesson and a religious lesson:
--Evolution-- "Where do people come from? Well, some people believe that chimps and humans have a common ancestor. That means a long long time ago there was an animal that kind of looked like a human and kind of looked like a chimp. Can you think of ways we look like a chimp" You could compare pictures of humans / chimps / apes / etc... My 5 year old really grasped this concept because she can clearly see the similarities.
--Christianity-- "Who is Jesus? Well, some people believe he was the son of God. Jesus accepted the outcasts, he helped the sick and poor, and told people to love one another" By focusing on the positive messages, the child will hopefully understand the true meaning of the religion.

Notice that both evolution and Christianity were presented in the same way; 'some people believe...' When you enforce the concept that everybody has their on belief system, it teaches the child that it is okay to be religiously diverse.

Step 4 - Be honest, answer their questions, and don't be afraid to say "I don't know." If your child asks, "what do you believe?" Tell them, and tell them why. Show them that you made an educated and rational decision about your beliefs. Lead by example in hopes they will also make an educated and rational decision.

I ran across a video on youtube a few months back where the speaker talks about religious diversity within the family setting. Take a look:



Other Resources: Parenting Beyond Belief